I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
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