hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
