I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
