I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
