Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize