Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
