ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
