Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
