My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Randomize
