Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
