meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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