i love accidental penises.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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