My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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