Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
