He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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