She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
