So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
