I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
