I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
