rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
bring money and cleavage
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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