saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
