My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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