When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
