I've blown a few things in my day
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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