We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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