The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
bring money and cleavage
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
