hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
