So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize