mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
dude i'm inner monologue high
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
