I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
