I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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