Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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