Pappa wants mamma naked
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize