Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
