yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
