I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
