Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
