i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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