Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
