Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
