The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
