My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
All I want is dick and wine.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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