Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
