her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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