Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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