I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize