I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
