My Higher Power is John Stamos
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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