can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
You're like the curious george of whores
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Randomize