do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
