My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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