I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize