I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
