God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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