We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize