when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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