I think im going to throw up on grandma
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
