I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
