I feel great
I just peed on a car
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize