Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize