Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
