she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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