The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
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