My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Randomize
