help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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