god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
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