It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
