Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
