life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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