so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
