your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
