she woke up with a sticky ear
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Hippo gnu deer
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
