yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
