Your face is a jimmy john
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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