the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize