Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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