I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
